


Confessions of Sorts

by legbutts



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, POV Allison, allison learns how to cope and also love for real this time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-07-25 12:42:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20026009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legbutts/pseuds/legbutts
Summary: Allison copes with most of her problems through vent writing. This is a journey.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> is this me just projecting real hard onto allison? maybe. is that gonna deter me from writing this? of course not! english learners im so sorry, english is funky . if any spanish-speakers need help with anything feel free to dm me on twt: sapphicwalker or just comment!

_ **reliance** _

I keep going to her anytime something happens

She takes everything in stride, and she's so easy to talk to, I always feel like I can talk to her and she'll listen no matter what she's doing and she's _such a good listener!!_ I honestly wish I had met her earlier but I'm so glad I met her anyways! <strike>am i</strike><strike> gushing?</strike>

I know I shouldn't go to her for _everything_, that's what my therapist is for but she insists in her soft way again and again that it's okay, that we are friends, that this is what friends do <strike>not that i would know anything about that</strike>

So I go back to her, tell her about Seth and how I don't feel like things will be the same again. <strike>I cried the first time I admitted that out loud, it was so embarrassing, but she just smiled and hugged me until I stopped and we went for ice cream even though I know she was supposed to go out with Andrew</strike>

I don't just talk to her about him, though

I get soo carried away talking to her, like, I finish with my classes and we just move around the dorm, talking the entire time for hours at a time, stopping only 'cus an alarm to go eat before the hall closes goes off <strike>she didn't have those alarms before, did she?</strike>

It's definitely not the same as when I talk to Dan, though

Dan is easy to talk to, too, just in a different way.

I joke with her about anything and everything and we talk about our relationships too, so I know about _all_ of the dumb shit Matt does

I don't know how to put it into words yet but the way I talk to the girls is different

Not bad, though. It's nice.

Maybe Renee might be my first actual best friend?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> allison is My baby and i Love her and so will you >:)

_ **seth** _

I only care about appearances. 

My intentions when I dress him and my actions don't come across the same.

I get frustrated with him much more easily nowadays and I wish I could stop it.

I hate that all we do is fight and argue and are known as 'on-again, off-again' when I wish we could be a real couple, one that goes on normal dates that don't end with me embarrassed for having taken him to a "fancy restaurant" where he claims he doesn't know how to act.

There was one day where he wouldn't stop talking, no matter how hard I tried to get him to stop.

I left.

I didn't know where to go, I knew the girls were busy so I went to the gym, y'know, for a quick release. 

I beat the shit outta those punching bags.

The classes my parents forced me into came back. Muscle memory

_Úsalo para defenderte, nunca para pelear, Ali. ¿Sabes porque?_

_Si, mami._

_Entonces dime._

_Porque si lo uso para pelear, sería lo mismo que ellos._

Mom would be proud that I remembered that. To never start a fight, but if one were started with me, I should be the one to finish it. Within reason, of course.

While fighting I did what my therapist said to do before coming to PSU, pick out what was a lie and what was the truth.

<strike>It was essentially the same thing mom told me but everyone knows kids don't listen to their parents, no matter how right they are. "is it true?" 'no.' "then why are you getting so angry about it, mi amor?" silence. a squeeze, a tug of the braid, a kiss on the forehead.</strike>

selfish and shallow.

I care a great deal about my girls. More than I'd like to admit sometimes. I know our game is violent. That's what we signed up for, but when someone checks Dan too hard, or Renee has a little more trouble stopping the ball than usual, I take care of them. I make sure they're drinking their water, and I even take them out to eat after a particularly grueling match. I adore them. I punched that out. I even got some kicks in.

He doesn't see that my "bitching and whining" is my way of caring about his stupid health.

By the time I had blown off some steam punching at the bags, some people had come to watch me beat the bags.<strike>hehe</strike>

The first person I noticed was Renee. Of course she was here, seeing me crying and punching and yelling. She's always there for me, even when I least expect it (or don't expect it at all).

I saw Andrew next and noted that they were both sweaty (gross).

It took a second, but my brain clicked that this must be what Renee's always busy with on Wednesday afternoons.

_Interesting._

I cleared my throat to announce what I had figured out but Andrew <strike>freak</strike> put up a hand. It didn't have any authority, it just shocked me that he was a bitch too! 

Renee started giggling so of course I got distracted. Anything that she thinks is funny must be hilarious. (It's just her sense of humor)

Anyway, Andrew left and gave us his stupid salute that he probably thinks is so fucking cool.

Renee's still standing with me though, so I take this opportunity to ask _her_ what the fuck that was about. Before I can, though, she's giggling again and I can't stop staring at her.

There's something that was just so incredibly mesmerizing about the way her dimples and smile could simply disappear, but the look in her eyes, the one she gave me almost daily can stay.

I caught myself staring too long again, and Renee, being the angel she is didn't mention it, but I know she noticed it.

By the time I remembered what I wanted to ask her, she had already linked our arms and was leading me back toward our room to take a proper shower.

I considered asking her once we got to our room, but Dan was there and I wasn't sure if she would want Dan to know what she does in her spare time that involves Andrew, so I decided to put a pin in that topic for now.

Dan had mentioned earlier that she wanted to go to the movies, and Renee looked excited and whispered something that sounded a lot like _meatballs_ so once Renee and I finished our showers, we left to the nearest one and watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. <strike>I don't tell them that I've already watched it with Seth.</strike>

Renee has always chosen our movie, I've always already seen it and Dan is always happy to go out with us, she calls it a girls night and jokes about having sleepovers where we can have a braid train and paint each others' nails ridiculous colors.

As if we don't already do that.

There was a moment before the movie started and we were already sitting, and I felt content to just sit in the too-cold theater and watch a kids movie with my two best friends. <strike>yes, they're my best friends. i've finally accepted it.</strike>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks yall so much for reading this!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure what a posting sched is gonna look like since i start collij soon,,, scary  
also i Know these aren't their canon heights but i will die on the hill that is tall renee time

_ **pesadillas** _

Renee's nightmares aren't loud screaming like the movies show.

Neither are mine.

As far as I know, Dan doesn't have any, but if she does, she does an incredible job of hiding them.

Dan knows when one or both of us have a Bad Night and she'll order all of us on the floor, gathering our cushions, pillows, blankets and anything else we might need to have our almost weekly cuddle-fests.

My bad nights usually come after a particularly bad fight with Seth, where he yelled a little too loud or he moved forward a little too fast and left my chest feeling tighter than it should usually be.

I never know how she knows, but I'm glad she can tell.

The nights we spend cuddled together are some of the most restful nights I have.

Dan might be the shortest of the three of us, standing at a whopping five feet and three (3!) inches while Renee is taller than both of us at five feet, eight (8!) inches while I am a meager 5'5, without heels.

The three of us have figured out the system, depending on who needs the most hugs that night.

If I'm the one in need of the most cuddles, I'll spoon Dan while Renee spoons me.

If Dan needs us, I'm being spooned by Dan while Renee spoons Dan.

When Renee needs us, I'm spooning Renee and she spoons Dan.

The next morning, we don't thank each other. I try my best not to look at Renee, afraid of what I'll see in her face even though I know she would never think of either of us as lesser for needing extra support, more comfort, more touches than before.

I know this in my mind, but I can never bring myself to look at either of them the next morning.

Renee knows that I'm ashamed of needing more comfort on nights that are bad, so she carries conversations with Dan in my place. She is the only one who knows, besides my old therapist.

It's weird for me, being able to finally trust someone that I'm not being forced to trust.

I used to be denied physical touch from my parents, they never needed the media to know that their child was _needy_ and needed actual attention from their parents other than what was required through the hand on the shoulder to show unity as a family, or a pat on the head because of a charming, incomplete smile presented to the cameramen who ate that shit up.

I learned that I _needed_ affection, _craved_ it.

<strike></strike>I was disgusted by it at first, I was always taught that love was not shown through touch, but through actions: doing something when you aren't told to do it <strike>saying the right things to the interviewers when they asked questions about our life at home</strike>

I was able to get over my disgust and instead sought it out through my extended family, knowing that they would smother me in it. I knew my aunts loved seeing me, seeing how much I've grown, and the same with my _abuelita_, knowing that she would braid my hair, soothing my nerves.

Soon this would not be enough and I would seek it through the children of my father's associates.

We would play in my room, playing dress-up or just laying in the grass and watching the bugs go about their lives, often stacked atop one another or even in a pile if it was more than one associate, watching ants take food to their queen or bees flying around lazily, gathering their food for the upcoming winters.

Being able to trust her is a lot like giving her a little bit of myself, I guess.

In this way, she knows more about me than <strike>my boyfriend</strike> Seth does.

I should be upset, but I'm relieved, knowing that he can't use this against me. I know that if he ever did, I would break and I don't know if Renee would be able to put me back together if he ever did.

Instead of talking to them the next morning I do what I do best: breakfast.

I make them pancakes, making sure to make strange shapes so we have something to laugh about and I make sure to add enough chocolate chips to make even Monster Minyard's teeth hurt.

Dan gets to making coffee and any smoothies we might be craving, and if we need anything, Renee will go and get it, making sure to check the nearby farmer's market before heading to the store.

It's a lot like we're married, I've realized not for the first time.

It amazes me how much we've learned to adapt to one another's needs, changing our routines anytime we need to, allocating our time differently if one of us needs something, even if it's just a one-time thing.

Dan has made a habit of taking care of Renee and me.

It took me a while to notice, but she has also pinned down our favorite snacks and drinks and leaves them around the dorm when one of us mentions the craving has come.

She has made it mandatory to go out as a unit at least once a week, and since she _is_ our captain, we _have_ to obey her orders.

It's the same flimsy excuse Dan uses anytime I pretend to not want to go, but once again I am grateful for my girls and their ability to pull me out of my slumps.

Renee never mentions it, but she notices when my "slumps" start getting worse.

She organizes more and more get-togethers among us upperclassmen and gives me subtle but firm affection. <strike>linked pinkies, lent sweatshirts, borrowed shirts, offering to wash my hair, more frequent outings where it is just us, where we can talk for hours, or I listen and watch her talk about her future projects for hours on end.</strike>

The way she is so passionate about her work, even though she hasn't started it yet has always amazed me. I love that she can love so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thamk u so much again for reading  
this is gonna be pretty slow since that internalized homophobia really be gettin sapphics to be like uhhhhh f r i e n d


End file.
